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WAS IT MEANT TO BE THIS WAY


Looking back on a time and place, where all i see was a child innocent face and i know that things were not the same as they appear now. Inside of me is full of silent tears, deep inside is filled with so much pain. I feel dirty and full of shame.

My innocence was lost at a very young age and since then, i have been locked in a cage full of pains. There is no freedom or escape, the fact that i was raped and the guilty man is roaming freely, has made me being sentenced to eternity. Eternity locked with all shame, i cannot help but feel that i deserve the blame.

Eventhough, common sense says it was not my fault, but i cannot help myself from having these thought. I kept going back to those moment, maybe there is something different that i could have done and i asked myself “Why didn't i scream or at least try to run?” But, i realised fear kept me froze to a spot and the grown man did what he should have not done.

Shame and fear made me keep silent. I kept telling everyone about the violence but, it was so shocking beyond belief that i could not get any relief. Instead, the same thing happened again and again. The first one was just how it began then, it graduated to more than a man and none of them care about the child they hurt. After that, i could not tell anyone because it was my pain and shame they could smell. With every touch, a part of me dies and now, i am in a prison that has no gate.

Everyone of them keeps sealing my fate. Was it meant to be this way? Was my life suppose to be like this? Please, tell me it was not meant to be this way? Please tell me how i can change it, i feel so much pain that i do not feel anything anymore. Is it this way because of the path that i chose? Was my life supposed to be a hell hole?

I am screaming in pain but no one seems to hear me at all. I want the pain to go away, it seems to always be there. I am hating myself and the pain of every man who took advantage of me.

Was it really meant to be this way? To get an answer to every of your questions, drop your message/questions @letstalkaboutsexualstruggles@gmail.com...Please do feel free. I love you all
*Let's talk about sexual struggles*

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