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THE UNSEEN STRUGGLES

SERIES 9: EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS

#TheUnseenStruggle

Why do I always look calm?

But calm isn’t always peace,

Sometimes, it’s just shutdown.

I didn’t choose to be numb.

It happened over time.

Just like that:

Each ignored feeling,

Each buried pain,

Each moment I told myself, “Just survive.”

I laugh, but it never reaches my chest.

I celebrate, but it feels distant.

I comfort others, but I can’t feel anything for myself.

I wasn’t always like this.

But emotions started to feel like a luxury

I couldn’t afford.

If I pause to feel it all,

It would drown me.

So I just exist.

It’s not sadness.

It’s not peace.

It’s that numb space in-between,

Where everything feels unclear.

People think I’m healed,

Because I don’t cry anymore.

Because I smile.

Because I keep moving.

But the truth?

I’m not healed, I’m just numb.

Being the strong one costs more than we admit.

I don’t react like I used to.

Not because I’m stronger…

But because I’m tired of feeling everything too deeply

Only to be left drained again.

So now I stay neutral.

I say, “It’s fine,” when I should say, “This hurts.”

I say, “Don’t worry about it,” when I want to scream, “Please care for me.”

I learned early that silence keeps the peace.

That hiding pain makes me easier to love.

So I buried my emotions beneath duty,

Beneath strength,

Beneath smiles.

And now?

Even when I want to feel, I don’t always know how.

Joy? Feels distant.

Love? Scary.

Pain? Familiar but unprocessed.

I’m not okay. But I’m functioning.

I’m not healed. But I look whole.

I’m not broken. But I’m not soft either.

This numbness?

It’s not peace.

It’s protection.

It’s the cost of being the strong one for too long.

But I want to feel again.

I want to cry without guilt.

Laugh without pretending.

Rest without bracing for the next burden.

Numb was never the goal.

Healing is.

And healing means:

I give myself permission to feel again.

From ADA — The First Daughter

#AnticipateADAbook

#ADAstrugglesSeries

#UnseenStrugglesOfFirstDaughters

#EmotionalNumbness

#TemiladeAlokan

Instagram: @temilade_alokan

Facebook: Alokan Temilade Victoria

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