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THE UNSEEN STRUGGLE

SERIES 6: COMMITMENT

They say I’m guarded.
I'm scared of love
They ask, “Why are you still single?”
They don't understand,
I'm not just scared of love,
I'm scared of losing myself inside it

What they don’t know is,
I’ve committed to people all my life.
To my family.
To responsibilities, I didn’t choose.
To being dependable when I needed help too.

Commitment for me has always looked like,
Carrying more than my share,
Silencing my voice to keep peace
Becoming what others needed,
Not who I truly was

I’ve loved without being asked.
I’ve poured without being filled.
I’ve shown up for others when no one showed up for me.

So now, when love looks at me,
I hesitate.
Not because I don’t want it
But because I’m afraid it’ll be another place where I disappear to keep peace.
Where I shrink again.
Where I’ll give more than I receive.

I've played parent,
Fixer,
Therapist 
I've been responsible for everyone but myself 
So when I imagine commiting to someone new,
My heart whisper, Will I disappear again?

Will I be seen?
Or just used?

Will I be loved for who I am
Or who I become for them?

So yes, I take my time
Not because I'm cold,
But because I know what it feels like to be overcommitted and under-considered 

I’ve seen what commitment costs when you’re the one doing all the holding.

So I tell myself:
“Don’t get too close.”
“Don’t hope too much.”
“Don’t lean in too far.”

Because I’m scared.

Scared of losing myself in another “us.”
Scared of being the fixer again.
Scared of giving too much and being left empty—again.

But deep down, I also want love.
The kind that doesn’t ask me to be “useful” to be worthy.
The kind that doesn’t look like a job.
The kind that feels like home—not hard work.

This fear?
It's not rooted in bitterness 
It's rooted in survival

So I pray for healing.
I pray for courage.
I pray that one day,
Commitment won’t feel like a trap,
But a gift I’m ready to receive.

Because I’m learning:
Not every connection will drain me.
Not every closeness will break me.
Not every commitment means losing myself.

From ADA — The First Daughter

#AnticipateADAbook
#ADAstrugglesSeries
#UnseenStrugglesOfFirstDaughters
#FearOfCommitment
#TemiladeAlokan
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